Monday, July 3, 2017

Independence Day Is Coming

Independence day... Those words are heavy this week. They're exciting, they are scary... they are hope.

I have been working really hard on myself this past year and a half. Harder than I've ever worked at anything. I've had to lean into some major discomfort as I've learned how to let myself feel those awful feelings through my journey. I've had to learn to set boundaries and practice enforcing them. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm improving. Its uncomfortable at times. But I stand taller, more self assure... more me when I succeed in it.
In my journey, an author who has greatly helped me bridge the gap between my hurts and the Lord is Melissa Haas. And the other day, as I was reading, journaling, and just chatting with the Lord, this author, like many more before her, likened my journey to that of a butterfly. Honestly, my first thought was "oh... cliche... I thought we were going to get deep into heart issues here." And then it did.
Basically, yes, I was this caterpillar before I embarked on my journey and I was pretty prickly, but the cocoon is where the action happens. It's where I've been for 19 months...  and the place of all the change on this journey. The learning to protect my heart. The truth about my identity. The undoing of all my false beliefs based on my past experiences. The work on me and my heart - the hard stuff. The Whole Process. And you know what? Cocoons are dark and scary and leave you hanging upside down!! That's just plain traumatic. If the biggest changes in your life are happening to you while you are upside and in the dark - whoa! This is no "beautiful butterfly" speech, this is dirty truth that total transformation isn't instantaneous, but rather something that is distressing... harrowing... demanding. And worth it.
Seemingly suddenly... boom. It's time to break out of that cocoon and fly away. But first, those wings need to dry. I'm still vulnerable. I made it through the most upside down and darkest part of my journey. And yet, my fresh baby wings aren't instantly ready. They need a minute. AND I GET A MINUTE. God gives me what I need and what I need is a stinking minute! I just hung upside in the dark and did hard things. For 19 months. This is the week of INDEPENDENCE. And I need a minute. This week, after many months of waiting on judges and attorneys and paperwork, my divorce is final. My marriage ended a long time ago, but now the law acknowledges that. And I need a minute. That's okay. I'm okay.
You know, I watch Liam look with wonder at these sparklers and .... I get my minute. I watch him swirl them around, embers falling in the dark and I take it all in. Because I'm not hanging upside down anymore. I'm not in the dark anymore. I'm here, right now, in my week of independence with sparklers that emit just enough light to illuminate the very next step. I don't have to know how my story ends, or how my week ends, or even this day. All I have to know is the very next step and God gives me that. Psalm 119:105
When you are in a dark space for a long time, your eyes adjust to the dark. You get pretty good at seeing in it.... so much so that you begin to forget there is anything any different than that dark. And then, light floods in and you're briefly blinded. Overwhelmed.... but just for a minute. So as my wings quickly dry and my eyes adjust to the light, I'll breathe deeply. I'll check that my footing is solid and just as soon as I've had my minute... I'm flying.

Happy Day of Independence.

Living Loved,
T


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